you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
