Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
