He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
