Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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