Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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