Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
