i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
