I got chris browned last night
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
tonight lets celebrate not being married
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
