he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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