My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
