There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
