At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
