It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
