Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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