dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
