I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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