Already got asked if we're dating
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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