I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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