The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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