btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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