my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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