got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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