i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
