Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm too high and old for this...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
