how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
