Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
