i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
