I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
