Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
