If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
