And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
