last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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