Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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