I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
COCAINE IS GR8
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