Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
