she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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