I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
