You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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