well I can't set my house on fire every night
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
