how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
