just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
