Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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