1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
