Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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