These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
