worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She announced her abortion via fbk
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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