is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
