my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
