Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
