3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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