I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
