I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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