I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
