I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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