It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
