the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
