this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
