my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
