you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
