U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
